Today, I’m diving into a topic that’s close to my heart: emotional well-being. How do I manage stress and set boundaries while navigating the ever-changing waters of the adult industry as a high class escort?
Well, that’s what I’m going to be sharing with you today.
Introduction
For all the criticism we get, being an escort is a unique and demanding profession. And being a high class escort is even more so because the standards we have for ourselves are usually higher as we offer a more intimate, immersive experience with our clients.
We combine the glamor of luxurious lifestyles with the very real emotional toll we take on. We take on the role of therapist, girlfriend and/or mind-reader to give our clients meaningful and memorable experiences. We’re “on” when we’re improvising for hours or days with our clients.
So to deal with our jobs, emotional well-being isn’t a nice-to-have. It’s a must-have if we want to thrive in this line of work at the level we perform at.
Identifying Toxic Clients
One part of taking care of ourselves and our emotional health is identifying toxic clients. Ideally, we should identify them before they cause problems. Not after.
What are the red flags to watch for? Look for clients who are entitled, disrespectful and pushing your boundaries when you’re communicating before your date.
I’ll share concrete examples of this.
My opinion is that a client is entitled if they want to call me “babe” before they’ve paid me or met me. And while I aim to accommodate busy schedules, I find it disrespectful if a new client demands to see me within the next 2 hours. And finally, if a client is trying to push my boundaries if they start to negotiate my screening or deposit policies.
I’ve honed my gut instincts so much over the years that I can tell within the first two emails if this date will 1) happen and 2) go well. I’m rarely wrong after 7 years in the industry.
Here’s a blog post in which I talk about a particular client.
Setting Boundaries
I talked before about clients who push boundaries. But before clients can push a boundary, we need to make one. Let’s talk about setting and maintaining clear boundaries. We need to do that right from the get-go.
What are your boundaries? Mine are on my website and ad.
I have basic boundaries and expectations like paying the rate I say on my website. The boundary of using a legal first name is on my ads, contact form, auto-responder and FAQ. My deposit policy is built into my contact form in such a way that inquiring clients must acknowledge and agree to pay a deposit when reaching out to me. I guide my clients through my process from reaching out to meeting so they know where we’re going. And so they know what’s expected from them.
Despite the name “Frequently Asked Questions”, my FAQ is not just for answers I find myself copying and pasting repeatedly. I also use it as a way to communicate expectations. What they can expect from me and what I expect from them.
I’m not afraid to communicate boundaries. I’m willing to sacrifice being coy and flirty to be clear and understood. I confidently tell clients “you’re not on my calendar until I get a deposit” or “I’ll look for your cancellation fee within 72 hours”.
And finally: it’s OK to say “no”! But not all money is good money. Your respect and well-being are non-negotiable.
I have a sneaky suspicion some escorts who claim a client is a “boundary pusher” didn’t clearly communicate a non-obvious boundary to begin with. Yes, boundary pushers exist. But as professionals in a confusing industry, it’s our jobs to communicate to avoid confusion.
It might feel uncomfortable when you set boundaries at first. Practice until it feels natural.
Dealing with Emotional Stress
Dealing with stress is hard. But essential.
Different people deal with stress differently. The CEO of Goldman Sachs, David Soloman, is well-known for DJ-ing for fun. I find cooking and riding my motorcycle to be great for stress-relief.
Having a hobby that allows you to simply be is essential in my book. Cooking and riding my motorcycle fits the bill. I also find sewing and yoga allow me to just be me.
Mindfulness — in some way, shape or form — has been essential to me dealing more effectively with stress. That might mean meditation, yoga, tai chi, breathing exercises or something else. I was introduced to Positive Intelligence a few years ago. The 2-minute mindfulness exercises in the app and the mindset work through the course are helpful. They reduced my stress levels and improved my ability to deal with stress.
Research shows regular physical activity and mindfulness reduce stress. Try new things to find what works for you. Dedicate yourself to trying something for 3-4 weeks before you decide it’s not working.
Support Systems
Just as our clients use companionship to deal with emotional stress, we need to as well.
It’s easy to become disconnected from the world by being a high end escort. The “lonely whore” stereotype IS a stereotype… but it also originated somewhere.
Never underestimate the power of a small yet solid support network. Surround yourself with people who understand and support you. That may be a combination of friends, family, partners, and fellow professionals. In this regard, depth is better than breadth in my experience. Meaning I have 2-3 close relationships I deeply rely on.
Professional resources are also invaluable. A sex-worker friendly therapist or coach can offer a safe space to vent and process your experiences. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I’ve worked with coaches, therapists, and other professional support over the years.
Long-Term Strategies for Emotional Well-being
Taking care of ourselves and our emotional well-being isn’t a one-time fix. It’s something that requires regular upkeep.
We’re not robots, we’re human beings. I’ve finally learned to accept the ebbs and flows of being human. So what’s working for me now may not work for me 6 months or 6 years from now.
In my monthly, quarterly and yearly reviews I rate myself on my health and self care. If I see low ratings for months in a row, it means sacrificing my self care has become a trend. It helps me avoid burnout by keeping tabs on it regularly.
As I’ve become more successful and financially stable, it’s allowed me to create a better work-life balance.
For example, in early 2023 I set up a schedule for when I check work emails. My website and autoresponder tell my clients “I check my emails Mon-Sat at 11am, 3pm, 5pm & 10pm. I don’t check my inbox on Sundays unless you’re already on my calendar.” This allows me to spend more time on projects that grow my business. And it allows me to “check out” and enjoy life rather than worrying about replying to emails ASAP.
I enjoy the challenge and meaning of my work as a high end escort and business coach for sex workers. Even so, I refuse to allow my work to be my whole life.
Part of having a sustainable career is work-life balance, which means having a life outside of work. I block off time to spend with loved ones and time with myself. I’m more confident saying “no” to a client now. An infrequent “no” for me time allows me to keep saying “yes” for months and years down the line.
Conclusion
I want to remind you of the immense importance of prioritizing our emotional well-being. In this high-pressure profession, self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity.
So set boundaries, manage stress, and lean on support systems. Ultimately, we must remember to care for ourselves. It’s not always easy, but we are worth it.
